I know I am in the homestretch, but that doesn't stop the hormones from ruining my day. There are moments when I don't recognise myself ... I don't understand how hormones can change one person so much, and so quickly. Unless something majorly stressful is happening in my life, I am only used to feeling like this maybe a day or two (tops) out of every month ... but 9 months of this has been ridiculous and I'm coming to the end of my rope.
I guess it would be okay if it only effected me, but that is not the case. My sudden change from happy to sad, to angry, to downright depressed, to excited, to anxious effects those around me too. The fluctuations cause me to snap at people I love, cry over the dumbest things and get overly excited about the smallest things and I cannot seem to control it no matter how much I try, and sadly I feel like it is taking its toll on some of my most treasured relationships.
The most difficult emotion for me is the sadness and crying. I have always been a person to keep my tears to myself whenever possible because once I've cried out whatever the frustration is I automatically feel better and move on without anyone ever knowing. I still have my private crying moments to allow for some of the hormonal craziness, but unfortunately there are still loved ones that get caught up in the cross hairs of my tears. Sometimes I feel like the tears are just sitting there waiting any dumb reason to get out, and sadly it seems to be when there are others around to witness the break down. Not only is it frustrating, it can be downright embarrassing to have to explain the dumb reason that I am upset.
It also seems that the tears like to stick around until I am completely dry. I could seriously cry for hours, especially if it's night time. The darkness and silence of the night can swallow you whole if you're careful ... I hate night time on nights like this ... I am already assuming that I wont get much sleep. But that's okay, because I'll just sleep all day tomorrow.
There are women out there that seem to enjoy every minute of pregnancy ... or is that just what they show in public? If they really are happy the entire time, why cant I be like them? I wish I could have spent my whole pregnancy being happy, comfortable, feeling beautiful, and getting along with everyone. I just want to be done. I want my beautiful son to be here, I want my body back and I want these emotional break downs to disappear.
I want to be ME again ... I want all my friendships/relationships to go back to normal ... and did I mention that I just want to be me again?
Showing posts with label emotions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emotions. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
And so she cleans.
What do you do when you are stressed or upset? For me it really depends on the level of stress. Sometimes ill take a nap if studying for school is stressing me. Sometimes I'll run if the stresses of work are becoming to much. But if I am really upset, I will clean.
For the past few days my hormone levels have been at an all time high. I have read about it and I know why this is happening and I have accepted it, but nowhere does it tell me how to deal with it. I'm more sensitive, taking stuff more personally than it should be taken. And there are times when I feel like I am a bomb ready to explode at any minute without warning. Sure, I used to deal with PMS 1-2 days a month, but it was nothing like this. As I keep saying, I feel like it's PMS on steroids. There are times when I 've tried napping, reading, exercise, meditation ... and none of it works. Is there a special remedy that I don't know about?
Last night it all came to a head. I was frustrated with myself for not being able to control how the hormones were making me feel. I was frustrated for the times I have taken it out on friends and I was feeling fed up that the hormones wouldnt go away. So I found myself in tears. I just lay in bed crying. But after 10 minutes, I was over that too.
I needed a distraction. So at midnight I got back out of bed and headed to the kitchen. I started cleaning. I emptied the dishwasher one item at a time and reloaded it. This gave me time to work out whatever was going on in my head. It also calmed and exhausted me. By 12:30am I was headed back to bed with dry eyes. And thankfully it didnt take me too long to fall asleep.
I am not someone who is used to being so emotionally charged all the time, and so it has been quite an adjustment ... one I havnt fully made yet. I just want to feel like I did before. Most of the time I can put on a good front ... but that's exhausting too. Please tell that I will stop feeling like a crazy biatch soon? I would like this to happen before I drive away all my friends please, and preferably before I go completely insane!
For the past few days my hormone levels have been at an all time high. I have read about it and I know why this is happening and I have accepted it, but nowhere does it tell me how to deal with it. I'm more sensitive, taking stuff more personally than it should be taken. And there are times when I feel like I am a bomb ready to explode at any minute without warning. Sure, I used to deal with PMS 1-2 days a month, but it was nothing like this. As I keep saying, I feel like it's PMS on steroids. There are times when I 've tried napping, reading, exercise, meditation ... and none of it works. Is there a special remedy that I don't know about?
Last night it all came to a head. I was frustrated with myself for not being able to control how the hormones were making me feel. I was frustrated for the times I have taken it out on friends and I was feeling fed up that the hormones wouldnt go away. So I found myself in tears. I just lay in bed crying. But after 10 minutes, I was over that too.
I needed a distraction. So at midnight I got back out of bed and headed to the kitchen. I started cleaning. I emptied the dishwasher one item at a time and reloaded it. This gave me time to work out whatever was going on in my head. It also calmed and exhausted me. By 12:30am I was headed back to bed with dry eyes. And thankfully it didnt take me too long to fall asleep.
I am not someone who is used to being so emotionally charged all the time, and so it has been quite an adjustment ... one I havnt fully made yet. I just want to feel like I did before. Most of the time I can put on a good front ... but that's exhausting too. Please tell that I will stop feeling like a crazy biatch soon? I would like this to happen before I drive away all my friends please, and preferably before I go completely insane!
Monday, September 5, 2011
The cRaZy lady within.
On the days when the nausea isn't distracting me, the mood swings come at me with full ... ummm ... swing. Today was one of the glorious days.
When I'm having an emotion day, it feels like PMS on steroids. When I would be pms-ing and would suddenly want to cry for no reason I could control that because I knew it was the hormones speaking and after a few minutes I'd be fine. With pregnancy mood swings, I have little to no control over anything. Even I get surprised by what I say and do sometimes. It's scary and I feel like I should come with a warning lable for all who approach me.
As an example, here are the range of emotions I felt today: Happiness. Excited. Sadness. Anger. Annoyance. Lonliness. Needy. Indifferent.
Through out the day, I cycled through all of these more than once. And it's not necessarily the switching back and forth that's exhausting, it's trying to hide it from all the non-pregnant people in the world ... and there are a lot. Oh I just realized that I forgot to add 'paranoia' to my list ... meaning that I get paranoid that people are picking up on my mood changes and think I'm a bitch. I try to compensate for that, but I think I try too hard and come across as a bitch sometimes anyway.
I feel like if there was a room I could just spend days like this in where I could jump for joy, cry my heard out or curse like a sailor all day long, we'd all be a lot better off. Like a sound proof room where nobody has to witness my madness.
After days like today, I come home exhausted. Josh is alwasys ready and waiting with the big hug I need and with a listening ear on the off chance I want to talk about it. But to be completely honest, I am embarrassed that I want to just cry and dont have a reason for it. It's weird to fight tears when I know they are coming from an irrational place like a bad dream or anything else.
From what I've heard, I will continue to feel like a crazy lady from time to time. But I am hoping that it feels so out of control because the hormones are still new to me and that they will somewhat mellow out as time goes on. But for now, where is that sound proof room.
When I'm having an emotion day, it feels like PMS on steroids. When I would be pms-ing and would suddenly want to cry for no reason I could control that because I knew it was the hormones speaking and after a few minutes I'd be fine. With pregnancy mood swings, I have little to no control over anything. Even I get surprised by what I say and do sometimes. It's scary and I feel like I should come with a warning lable for all who approach me.
As an example, here are the range of emotions I felt today: Happiness. Excited. Sadness. Anger. Annoyance. Lonliness. Needy. Indifferent.
Through out the day, I cycled through all of these more than once. And it's not necessarily the switching back and forth that's exhausting, it's trying to hide it from all the non-pregnant people in the world ... and there are a lot. Oh I just realized that I forgot to add 'paranoia' to my list ... meaning that I get paranoid that people are picking up on my mood changes and think I'm a bitch. I try to compensate for that, but I think I try too hard and come across as a bitch sometimes anyway.
I feel like if there was a room I could just spend days like this in where I could jump for joy, cry my heard out or curse like a sailor all day long, we'd all be a lot better off. Like a sound proof room where nobody has to witness my madness.
After days like today, I come home exhausted. Josh is alwasys ready and waiting with the big hug I need and with a listening ear on the off chance I want to talk about it. But to be completely honest, I am embarrassed that I want to just cry and dont have a reason for it. It's weird to fight tears when I know they are coming from an irrational place like a bad dream or anything else.
From what I've heard, I will continue to feel like a crazy lady from time to time. But I am hoping that it feels so out of control because the hormones are still new to me and that they will somewhat mellow out as time goes on. But for now, where is that sound proof room.
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