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Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Who am I?!?!

I know I am in the homestretch, but that doesn't stop the hormones from ruining my day. There are moments when I don't recognise myself ... I don't understand how hormones can change one person so much, and so quickly. Unless something majorly stressful is happening in my life, I am only used to feeling like this maybe a day or two (tops) out of every month ... but 9 months of this has been ridiculous and I'm coming to the end of my rope.

I guess it would be okay if it only effected me, but that is not the case. My sudden change from happy to sad, to angry, to downright depressed, to excited, to anxious effects those around me too. The fluctuations cause me to snap at people I love, cry over the dumbest things and get overly excited about the smallest things and I cannot seem to control it no matter how much I try, and sadly I feel like it is taking its toll on some of my most treasured relationships.

The most difficult emotion for me is the sadness and crying. I have always been a person to keep my tears to myself whenever possible because once I've cried out whatever the frustration is I automatically feel better and move on without anyone ever knowing. I still have my private crying moments to allow for some of the hormonal craziness, but unfortunately there are still loved ones that get caught up in the cross hairs of my tears. Sometimes I feel like the tears are just sitting there waiting any dumb reason to get out, and sadly it seems to be when there are others around to witness the break down. Not only is it frustrating, it can be downright embarrassing to have to explain the dumb reason that I am upset.

It also seems that the tears like to stick around until I am completely dry. I could seriously cry for hours, especially if it's night time. The darkness and silence of the night can swallow you whole if you're careful ... I hate night time on nights like this ... I am already assuming that I wont get much sleep. But that's okay, because I'll just sleep all day tomorrow.

There are women out there that seem to enjoy every minute of pregnancy ... or is that just what they show in public? If they really are happy the entire time, why cant I be like them? I wish I could have spent my whole pregnancy being happy, comfortable, feeling beautiful, and getting along with everyone. I just want to be done. I want my beautiful son to be here, I want my body back and I want these emotional break downs to disappear.

I want to be ME again ... I want all my friendships/relationships to go back to normal ... and did I mention that I just want to be me again?

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