Slow down the time, it's going too fast!

Okay, raise your hand if you can believe that in 2 days James is already 1 month old ... nobody? nobody? Yeah .... me neither!!! After the last month of pregnancy being the slowest month in history, we have just completed the fastest month in history!
Even though the majority of my days are spent at home feeding, sleeping and diaper changing, time just seems to be flying. And you would think that because I am awake more hours in the day than I am asleep that time would go even slower than usual, but nope ... I still cannot believe that I am sitting here with a month old baby!

The first month has been wonderful! It has been all about learning and getting to know each other. There have been times of frustration (why are you crying), times of anxiety (you are making me cry with all your crying), but above all, there have been times of love, love and more love. I still cannot believe that you can love one tiny little person so incredibly much. There have even been times where I just look at him sleeping or feeding etc and cry little tears of joy. I still cannot believe that this perfect little boy is my son :)  What a perfect mother's day gift  :)

Stuff that is new for James in the past few weeks: He is already smiling! Can you believe it ... and I am not talking about gassy smiles, I mean real smiles. He is even starting to react to our smiles with a smile. I thought babies couldn't do that for months! He makes my day every time he smiles :)  His crying is accompanied by tears now. They were all dry cries at first and I must admit that it put a lump in my throat the first time I saw a tear. He is completely astonished by Brutus (our dog) and stares at him any time he is near by ... they are going to be best friends! He is finding his voice and has started making noise just to make noise ... sometimes it sounds like he is talking to himself, I love it! And finally, he can hold up his head for about 10 seconds and turn it sideways. He is my strong little boy :)

Stuff that is new for me in the past few weeks: His crying no longer makes me anxious. Baby cries used to scare me and make me want to run the other way, but now I just pick him up and talk to him until he feels better. I have come to realise that if I figure out why he is upset we can fix the problem and he will most likely stop crying :)  I am sort of getting used to the less sleep, though there are still many evenings where I get cranky. Physically my stitches have healed (hurray!). My tailbone is still excruciating at times ... hopefully it will heal soon because that frustrates me more than anything right now. I already fit back into my jeans (best day ever!) and my boobs are huge haha!

Just loving being a mommy right now. I love my little family :)  For those of you who live near by ... I am starting to feel ready for visitors if you want to come and meet little James. But please, only if you are 100% healthy and only if there are no sick people around you because it's a few more weeks before he gets his shots.

Hopefully it wont be this long before the next blog ... I have my 6 week check up in 2 weeks, as does James. So I will try to update you all then :)

This too shall pass.

It has been a week and a half since little James was born and I feel like we are settling into a nice little grove. I am starting to understand his cues and find myself not getting anxious when he cries and I don't know what's wrong. My mantra has become, "This too shall pass" when I start to feel overwhelmed. He cannot cry forever, and I will figure out what he needs/wants ... there fore the crying will pass. I do believe that it is possible that because I am more relaxed that James has become more relaxed and so we are learning eachother so to speak. (I hope that makes sense!).

James is doing great. We are in a routine of feeding every 2 hours during the day and every 3 hours at night time (so mama can sleep a little). He is peeing and pooping just as he should and becoming more and more alert every day. He is starting to respond to our voices and making eye contact. He loves lights. We have a lamp in the nursery with all different colors that he loves to stare at and last night he spent a good deal of time staring at the kitchen lights too. He has gotten to the point where he can sit in his swing and be completely content by himself as I eat or do stuff that needs to be done.
He has taken to his basinette like a fish to water. As soon as I lay him down and wrap him up, he settles down and starts to fall asleep. Sometimes he is still wide awake, but he doesnt fuss unless he loses his binkie. We do have a night time game that I am not very fond of. I call it the 'binkie game'. It's where I can spend anywhere from 30-45 minutes re-applying his binkie because he keeps spitting it out and then making half crying sounds because he wants it back. This game is usually played in the dark which means I reach into the basinette, gently search for the binkie and then gently search for his mouth.
I am very proud of how well he is doing :)

I, myself, am doing well also. Recovering nicely from delivery. Unfortunately my dislocated/fractured tail bone still hurts a lot, especially when I am sitting :-/  but that, too, will heal. I think I read that it can take upwards of 6 weeks, but I'm not going anywhere. (Fractured/dislocated tail bones are a regular occurance in the delivery room if you are a petite lady or your baby is particularly big).
I am starting to adjust to the less hours of sleep, so I am less like a zombie and less emotional. It's been less than two weeks and I've already lost 90%+ of the weight I had gained. This happened without me even trying, I guess breast feeding is a workout all on its own!

Anyway, I am going to go spend time with my little guy. Luckily I have had mom here all this week to help me further settle into motherhood since Josh had to go back to work. (Thank you mom! I dont know what I would have done without you this week!). Next week it's just myself and James, and I know that we will do just fine :)

I'm a Mommy :)

Monday, April 23rd at 9:27am is when my life changed forever. A little bundle weighing 8lbs 5oz and 21.5 inches long came into the world ... came into my world :) I would like to introduce you to James Thomas Epps, my perfect little boy :)

I spent 26.5 hours in labor. It started when I woke up at 7am on Sunday to use the restroom. When I was about to leave the bathroom I suddenly left a puddle on the floor. I wasn't wearing my glasses at the time, so I went to get them because I couldn't believe that I had just peed on the floor! But, alas, it was not pee ... my water had broken :)  All I could say to Josh was, "It's time."
Since I had not yet started contractions I decided I should have breakfast before heading the hospital because once admitted I would not be allowed to eat, and at the time we didn't know how long I would be in labor for.

The first 13 hours of labor were easy ... I was having some contractions but didn't really feel them. They were light menstrual cramps at worst. Not to mention that was wonderfully distracted by Josh (the best labor and delivery coach EVER!), my parents, whom I couldn't have finished the delivery without and cousins Jeni and Luanne who made the 45 minute drive to hang out through the beginning stages of labor.
The doctor decided at that point to induce my contractions because once your waters have broken you have 18-24 hours before your risk of infections go up.

Dr. Samawi arrived at 7am on Monday and with that being the 24 hour mark it was time to start pushing. I had had an epidural around 3am but sadly they had done something wrong and the feeling was coming back into the right side of my body very quickly. The contractions were becoming very intense and the anasteseologist tried to fix it in time, but it was too late. So I guess I can say that I half gave birth the natural way  :-/   I was pushing for 2.5 hours before I couldn't do it any longer. Little James was very close but just couldn't quite make it out. So we decided to use the vacuum after which he was born about 10 minutes later. I had never felt pain like that before. But once they put him on my chest, it was like the pain had never existed.

The following I will share only so that you know that it's normal and that most women go through this during labor and delivery ... you can, however, chose to skip this part  ;-)

First, the gas during labor was unnatural ... I wasnt aware that the body could produce so much of it! I got lightheaded when they were inserting my IV and drawing blood. I did poop during delivery ... yes it's normal! You might be horrified by this, but by the time it's time to give birth, you wont care ... I promise! I swore infront of my parents for the first time during delivery. I threatened to smack my dad because he was being positive to make me feel better (sorry dad!) and I think I may have growled at Josh for rubbing my leg supportively. I wanted to give up on more than one occasion. On my first trip to the bathroom about 2.5 hours after delivery, I completely blacked out and had to be carried back to my bed. And lastly, I got a 2nd degree perenial tear. I will let you look that one up ... but it ended with me getting many stitches after delivery :-/

I have loved every minute with my little guy. And he is getting fussy now, so I will leave this blog and write again soon!

My extra special boy.

Alas, it has been 48 hours and James has not yet left the building ... uh, body. Sadly, I guess the sweep didn't work, but it was worth a try. The only thing it did do was make the last 48 hours more interesting. I've had blood, mucus (hmm maybe I should have warned about graphic details again), cramping, contracting, pain and emotional highs and lows. The contractions have changed, however. So I am dealing with a new set of sensations and wondering if they are normal ... of course they are. All of it just means that James was not yet ready to greet the world, though I cannot imagine why with this beautiful weather we've been having.

For anyone who knows me, they know that I don't take too well to the 'unknown'. I hate not knowing what to expect, I hate not knowing what comes next and I hate not knowing when something is going to happen. I have always been like this, and I am sure that I will continue to be this way - at least to some extent - for the rest of my life.
But I made a conscious decision today (After being up since 4:30am, taking one walk and two naps) that I am going to let it go. I am causing myself unnecessary stress and anxiety when I should be relaxing. So I am currently sitting in my rocking chair not wondering why he is late and not stressing about every little pain wondering if its a stronger contraction or if they are more frequent ... I am just rocking next to the open balcony door, enjoying the fresh air and sunshine. Because guess what, I will know when I am having stronger contractions and my body will tell me when a pattern is starting to emerge. It's not like I can miss the window of opportunity of him being born ... when he decides to come, he is coming whether or not I am ready!

Another thing that was greatly stressing me out was Josh's paternity leave time. Unfortunately it's something that he had to put in for ahead of time to make sure that he was covered ... after all, he is the big boss man and not just anyone can cover his time off. So he started his two weeks of paid time off on Monday since that was the due date. So every day that James hasn't arrived is another day on the other side of Josh's two weeks that I will spend alone with our newborn. I'm not going to lie, the idea scared me. While we are both going to be brand new parents, Josh has more experience with babies than I do.
The reason the two week thing scared me, I think, is because everywhere you read that the first two weeks are the toughest as there is a huge adjustment in the family dynamics as well as routines etc. Not only that, but I will still be recovering from labor and delivery, will be sore from learning how to breast feed and may be over whelmed at the huge demands in my sleep deprived state. Not to mention that I'll be dealing with the mother of all periods after not having one in ten months and re-adjusting to my settling hormone levels. Yeah, lets just say that a new momma needs her support.
But regardless of whether or not Josh can be here for a two week period after the birth of James, I know that I will still have his support for the times of the day that he is here and the times that I call freaking out over something or other hahaha.

If nothing else comes of these two weeks with Josh being home, I think that we got some much needed quality time together which may prove to be more beneficial to our changing relationship and family in the long run. Now that I have chosen to join Josh in vacation mode, I think that we will be better prepared for our bundle of joy. No baby can be soothed by stressed out parents. And not to mention that it has been amazing having Josh here during the most difficult time of my pregnancy because, let me tell you, the last month is a roller coaster ride!

So to those of you who have told me to enjoy my last days of naps and relaxation and to have patience ... I am finally listening. All the extra time in the uterus just means that James is going to be extra special ... after all, Rome wasn't built in a day :)

Quite an exciting doctor visit.

**** WARNING: This blog entry may be graphic ... I am really not sure yet, but I wanted to give you a heads up just in case  ;-)  ****

Today's doctor visit was quite the exciting one. After spending yesterday dealing with back labor and other pains for almost 9 hours I was praying that my cervix had made some progress in the dilation area. If the doctor did an exam today and told that my cervix was still completely closed I probably would have cried. Nobody should have to go through all that cramping and throbbing pain and discomfort for nothing!

So the doctor did an internal exam, which is always pleasant  :-/   and gave me the good news ... I am dilated 3cm and 50% effaced. So I am well on my way. Just in case pregnancy is new for you: You need to be 10cm dilated before you start pushing the baby out. Of course there is no way to know where you are without an internal exam, but chances are that you will already be laboring fast and hard before you get to 6cm or 7cm ... don't quote me on that one, just because I do believe it is different for everyone. I think some women even get admitted to the labor and delivery ward at 5cm ... so I suppose it really depends on whether or not you waters have broken and what your contractions are like.
Effacement was something I had never heard of until a few months ago. This is the thinning of your cervix. So with mine being 50% effaced, it means that mine is half the thickness that it was to start with. But before your cervix starts to efface, it goes through a period of softening.
There is no set time for any of this process ... every single woman and every single pregnancy is completely different. This can all happen over a few days, a few weeks or even a few months! ... For me it all happened within 2 weeks. So those were two pieces of good news :)

Since I am 40 weeks and 1 day pregnant, my doctor offered me the option of having my membranes stripped (aka sweeping). Since it can be quite painful and uncomfortable (as are internal exams right now because James is putting so much pressure on my nether region) I said that we could revisit that idea when he was in there checking my cervix ... sorry, this is where it gets graphic :-/ 
I ended up deciding on a yes. I figured whats 5 more seconds of pain and discomfort if it brings the pregnancy to a happy end. So in a nut shell (if this is new to you), the doctor basically sticks one finger inside your cervix (so into your uterus) and gently ... though it didn't feel very gentle ... removes part of the membrane from the inside wall of the uterus. By doing this a hormone is released that makes the uterus think that you are in labor and can start the contractions. For more information: http://www.midwife.org/ACNM/files/ccLibraryFiles/Filename/000000000669/Stripping%20Membranes.pdf

Unfortunately stripping your membranes is not a guarantee. It will work if your body is already getting ready for labor. But after hearing all of my symptoms from the past week he decided that it was definitely worth a shot for me. If it does work then labor will kick in within 24-48 hours after the stripping. Though some women go into labor as soon as during the night because they are relaxed, or the next morning after a good night's sleep. I am very much hoping that the procedure worked for me because I don't want to be induced (that would happen at 41wks 6 days ... so April 28th) and I really don't want to be pregnant for that long!

The last thing that the doctor told me was that all the cramping etc that I am feeling is no longer false labor. He strongly believes that it is early labor now that I am 3cm. So that's awesome :)  Though early labor can last for a few days.
Since the doctor visit today I have been quite uncomfortable with cramping and some pain near the cervix etc. I have also had some bleeding which is normal. So I cleaned the house a little bit to keep moving and stay distracted. I also showered which made me feel tons better (the doctor's exam made me sweat!).

So with any luck, my next post will be a while from now and it will be about the birth of our little boy :)  Unless I feel the urge to blog during labor .... yeah, probably not going to happen.  ;-)

Who am I?!?!

I know I am in the homestretch, but that doesn't stop the hormones from ruining my day. There are moments when I don't recognise myself ... I don't understand how hormones can change one person so much, and so quickly. Unless something majorly stressful is happening in my life, I am only used to feeling like this maybe a day or two (tops) out of every month ... but 9 months of this has been ridiculous and I'm coming to the end of my rope.

I guess it would be okay if it only effected me, but that is not the case. My sudden change from happy to sad, to angry, to downright depressed, to excited, to anxious effects those around me too. The fluctuations cause me to snap at people I love, cry over the dumbest things and get overly excited about the smallest things and I cannot seem to control it no matter how much I try, and sadly I feel like it is taking its toll on some of my most treasured relationships.

The most difficult emotion for me is the sadness and crying. I have always been a person to keep my tears to myself whenever possible because once I've cried out whatever the frustration is I automatically feel better and move on without anyone ever knowing. I still have my private crying moments to allow for some of the hormonal craziness, but unfortunately there are still loved ones that get caught up in the cross hairs of my tears. Sometimes I feel like the tears are just sitting there waiting any dumb reason to get out, and sadly it seems to be when there are others around to witness the break down. Not only is it frustrating, it can be downright embarrassing to have to explain the dumb reason that I am upset.

It also seems that the tears like to stick around until I am completely dry. I could seriously cry for hours, especially if it's night time. The darkness and silence of the night can swallow you whole if you're careful ... I hate night time on nights like this ... I am already assuming that I wont get much sleep. But that's okay, because I'll just sleep all day tomorrow.

There are women out there that seem to enjoy every minute of pregnancy ... or is that just what they show in public? If they really are happy the entire time, why cant I be like them? I wish I could have spent my whole pregnancy being happy, comfortable, feeling beautiful, and getting along with everyone. I just want to be done. I want my beautiful son to be here, I want my body back and I want these emotional break downs to disappear.

I want to be ME again ... I want all my friendships/relationships to go back to normal ... and did I mention that I just want to be me again?

From one concern to another.

So for those of you who have been pregnant, you know that pregnancy can be one worry after another, especially when it comes to the first pregnancy because you don't always know what is normal and what is not. As new moms-to-be we spend a lot of time looking up all the aches and pains on google and calling our doctors about our new found symptoms.

Now that I have reached full term most of those worries have gone away. Reaching week 39 has alleviated a lot of concerns as I just sit back and wait for those telling signs of labor. Last night, however, I found myself laying in bed surrounded by a whole bunch of new concerns.

I often go back and forth between feeling ready for labor and delivery and completely terrified. Of course its the fear of the unknown ... I have no idea what is going to happen in that room. Every mom in the world could share her experience and I could still experience something very different. The pain that I might feel also scares me, even though I plan to have an epidural. Also tearing scares me for obvious reasons. But I am also aware that I will be surrounded by the best support I could ask for. Josh's hand will be in mine for as long and as much as I need it, my parents and sister will be there to cheer me on and encourage me to keep going when I am completely exhausted and my doctor, whom I trust beyond words, will be there to talk me through the whole process. So while I am scared at times, I am also confident that I can get through the whole labor and delivery without a problem.

Something new that I have started worrying about as the big day approaches are my abilities as a mom. Babysitting was never really my thing, though I did it often. Crying babies have always made me uncomfortable. What if James has a crying day ... how do respond if he doesn't respond to any kind of soothing? I know that it will be different because he is my child ... but I want the best for my son and wouldn't want to see him sad or uncomfortable.
I know that these are common concerns among new moms, so I am trying to let it go and understand that it will be a learning process and as I get to know James I will learn what soothing techniques work and what don't.

Having said all of that ... I am ready for James to arrive ... so James, we are just waiting for you little buddy :)