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Monday, September 5, 2011

The cRaZy lady within.

On the days when the nausea isn't distracting me, the mood swings come at me with full ... ummm ... swing. Today was one of the glorious days.

When I'm having an emotion day, it feels like PMS on steroids. When I would be pms-ing and would suddenly want to cry for no reason I could control that because I knew it was the hormones speaking and after a few minutes I'd be fine. With pregnancy mood swings, I have little to no control over anything. Even I get surprised by what I say and do sometimes. It's scary and I feel like I should come with a warning lable for all who approach me.

As an example, here are the range of emotions I felt today: Happiness. Excited. Sadness. Anger. Annoyance. Lonliness. Needy. Indifferent.
Through out the day, I cycled through all of these more than once. And it's not necessarily the switching back and forth that's exhausting, it's trying to hide it from all the non-pregnant people in the world ... and there are a lot. Oh I just realized that I forgot to add 'paranoia' to my list ... meaning that I get paranoid that people are picking up on my mood changes and think I'm a bitch. I try to compensate for that, but I think I try too hard and come across as a bitch sometimes anyway.

I feel like if there was a room I could just spend days like this in where I could jump for joy, cry my heard out or curse like a sailor all day long, we'd all be a lot better off. Like a sound proof room where nobody has to witness my madness.

After days like today, I come home exhausted. Josh is alwasys ready and waiting with the big hug I need and with a listening ear on the off chance I want to talk about it. But to be completely honest, I am embarrassed that I want to just cry and dont have a reason for it. It's weird to fight tears when I know they are coming from an irrational place like a bad dream or anything else.

From what I've heard, I will continue to feel like a crazy lady from time to time. But I am hoping that it feels so out of control because the hormones are still new to me and that they will somewhat mellow out as time goes on. But for now, where is that sound proof room.

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